So you know that boy I started dating on Sept 11th, 2011?

The one I met online.

You know that we got engaged on July 2nd, 2013?

He proposed to me at the airport.

You know that wedding I was planning 3 weeks ago for our wedding on July 14th, 2017?

Why?

I think I might have scared you away with the wedding planning.

Couldn't you have done it before I started trying on wedding dresses?

Couldn't you have done it before I found the dress?

Before I found the place we were going to get married?

Couldn't you do it before I was blissfully happy planning our wedding and our future.

On April 8th he sent it to me.

"Im sorry I haven't been able to talk to you. My phone is broken and Ive closed since Friday. I have to go to work soon and I cant really go in again with this on my mind but I think we need to break up. I love you and that's why this is hard and I really started thinking about it in these last 2 weeks of us both having different schedules and we never get time together. Realistically it will be at least a couple years until we can truly be together and its painful and almost draining for me trying to do all this. I think we both kind of new 6 months ago how hard this would be and its really taking its toll on me having to be home to be with you or be outside with a life and it isn't fair we cant have both. Like I will always love you, but I really cant handle it at this point in my life. We can Skype about this later, I know Im a piece of **** for sending this in a text and really sorry."

Because I didn't have internet I didn't even know until my best friend got that text message that I wasn't meant to see.

April 12th.

"I broke up with her"

You made my world fall apart. I ripped off your sweater and tried to hide the things that would remind me of you and shed but a single tear then went upstairs to face the friends who silently whispered upstairs about my breakup.

I never even got to see the original skype message until that Monday on April 13th.

The first day was brutal. I didn't want any reminders. When I realized I was still wearing my engagement ring I broke down crying and almost ripped my finger off trying to get that damn ring off.

I didn't talk to anyone.

I tried to make you think I'm okay and that this was the right thing but god damn it it's been 21 days since you broke up with me and I miss you so much.

I miss you so much Dylan but I'm afraid to message you. You said we could still be friends but I feel like you'd be mad at me or I'm afraid you wouldn't care at all. You said you still loved me but how do I actually know you weren't letting me down easy.

You were my first love.

You were my first boyfriend.

You were my first long distance relationship.

You were my first sexual partner.

You were my first fiancé.

You were my life.

You took it away from me.

What did I do to make you decide you didn't want to spend the rest of your life with me anymore?

What did I do.

I want to cry some more.

I feel stupid.

I hate myself.

I need you and I can never have you back.

Even if you asked for me back how could I ever trust you again not to break my heart?

You taken my heart away from me.

I have a hole in my chest. Not a painful one but a very gigantic empty hole I just don't know how or what to fill it with.

I love you so much and I just want to be your stupid, fat fiance who loved you more than her own life again. I would have died for you. I still would and that's what I hate.

You decided I wasn't a priority in your life anymore and I can't let go and I hate myself for it.

You don't even care and all I want to do is fall asleep in your arms again. Or just kiss you one last time.

I ****ing hate you for making me love you so much.

How do I deal with a broken engagment?

helpme