Hello!
So after a crisis in February which ended up with me in hospital and many assessments with CAMHS (the UK's Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) Im going to start having appointments with a doctor (my next is on Tuesday, after an initial meet-up/assessment last week.) The week after that I'm going to be meeting with her and a psychiatrist, to decide whether or not I have an illness (possibilities are bi-polar disorder, because our family has a history, or a personality disorder) and whether I should take meds. I'm sixteen and I have had therapy before, but I hated it so much I lied and got discharged. I'm really worried about it because I have a huge fear of them thinking that I'm lying to them, or that I'm faking etc and it makes me so scared.
i hate talking about my feelings because I find them so hard to articulate, and they never settle anyway. One minute I'm on top of the world, the next I'm in the gutter; one day I'm in love, the next I want them to stay away from me as far as possible, and this is in every aspect of my life. So when Iake a statement, it might be different the next time I see them, if that makes sense?
On top of that, I constantly feel guilty if I EVER enjoy anything, because I'm like - I'm supposed to be suicidal, how am I having fun? I can't believe you're lying you're so awful. Etc etc etc.
The other stresses of my life - it's a really important year when it comes to exams at the moment, relationships, friendships, etc are also adding to all of my worries and I have no idea what to do with myself.