I did read almost the whole post and I sympathize with your situation. However, I'm not the best person to offer advice on this subject and the whole thing was pretty triggering for me. I really should have stopped reading the moment I saw the word polyamory. You see, the whole time my husband and I were courting, his best friend has been around for most of the time. So it has always been the three of us and even now he is over at our house several times a week. So I think it is only natural that I fell in love with them both at the same time. I discovered polyamory last year after we had been married a year and a half. I planned out this really nice 'date night' for the three of us where I was going to approach the subject with them and tell them how I really felt. Then at the last minute my husband said the movie we were going to see was too late so none of us even got to go and the money I spent on tickets. That following weekend I spiraled out of control for the first time (mania with psychotic features) and my husband and mother in law had me put in the hospital. The staff let me out the next day, so I guess I really just needed to be away from everyone to return to normal. After I got out I shared my feelings with my husband about the best friend through a letter I wrote to them both before I had scheduled the date. He said what I wanted was never going to happen. So I never got to share the letter with the best friend. I also get griped at if the best friend and I have conversations on Facebook and I pretty much got an attitude whenever the best friend and I played world of warcraft together at night after my husband was asleep. So I FINALLY just ended up quitting in order to have peace at home. The two of them are allowed to be as close as they want, but I can't get nearer than an arms length. And then every time I say or do something that my husband doesn't like, I get this weird look and 'are you okay? Have you been taking your medicine?' Like I haven't been taking them at the same time every night since I picked up the prescription and I haven't read the entirety of multiple bipolar books that I purchased. It just sucks because I'm forced to have my heart broken every time I see the friend unless I just want to sit in the bedroom with the door closed every time our group of friends come over and I never go out with my husband to visit our friends. Errrrgh

With all that being said...I've read multiple books, websites, and forums about polyamory. The way your wife did polyamory is NOT how you do polyamory. She was not respectful to you in regards to the new relationship at all.