So, in my intro I posted that my mom died last year (2014).

She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2012 and she fought really hard for 18 months. I mean so hard!!! She had so many complications from chemo and hospital stays and infections, that even getting her blood cells up to a normal level to be able to fight was such a challenge. She had an infection that she got from the hospital that ate away her epiglottis in her throat, which caused paralysis of a vocal chord, and swelling of the trachea so bad she had to have a tracheotomy put in, so talking, breathing, eating, coughing was a whole new ball game. It was so scary... never knowing what could happen.

I remember after we put her in the hospice house, she came to me one night - I swear I was not dreaming. I was sleeping on the couch and I got awoken by a very bright light surrounding me. My mom looked beautiful, she was enveloped in this light and she was smiling. She didn't have the trach, she didn't look sick at all. She looked amazing. She was sitting on the edge of the couch smiling at me and she looked straight into my eyes and said, "You will be okay. Everything will be fine." That's all she said. She smiled at me and just like that the light and everything was gone. I think of that often... because to me, everything is not fine. I am only 28 and I do not have my mother with me the rest of my life and it hurts. It hurts so bad to know that all of the times I took for granted, I could have spent with her and now I am sitting here regretting ever leaving her side when she was sick because I could have asked her all the things I was afraid to ask. "Are you scared? Am I going to be okay? Will you watch over me? Do you think you're going to die?"

We were told she had 6 months on New years day 2014... she came home on the 8th (Wednesday). She spent the entire weekend going through her things and doleing them out to people. She never gave us a reason why, only, "Just because." Only after she passed, my brother told me she knew she was dying. She pulled him aside that weekend and told him if he had anything to say to her, he needed to say it to her now. Little did we know Monday morning, we would be admitting her to the hospice house because she couldn't remember the year, didn't know where she was, and she was talking to people that weren't there.

In a way... I wish she would have just said to me, "I'm dying." I probably would have snapped out of my denial. I denied she was dying, didn't want to talk about it when she brought it up, brushed her away. I wish she would have taken me by the shoulders and told me, "I'm dying and it's okay to be sad and afraid. But you don't have to be." It would have helped me so much more.