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Originally Posted by SoupDragon
Is there anyway you call tell your mum how you feel about her lack of response?
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Thank you for replying and understanding. I could do but I don't think it would benefit the situation, is overly required. She does understand I'm sensitive and is generally tries to understand if she can.
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Originally Posted by lolagrace
Sometimes I don't have to be heard by anyone but myself. If I can be right with myself and how I am feeling, that is enough. A little space and time usually can get me to that "right" place within myself and then that urge to have other people have to hear me really isn't so strong because I can make my own peace with things.
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Thank you for your advice. This may seem silly but how do you take space and centre yourself? I feel I need to be better at hearing myself and not relying on other people so much, but I don't know how to hear myself. Usually my way to communicate with myself is to self harm. What do you do?
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Originally Posted by hankster
Yeah sounds like your mom isnt very good at handling these kinds of discussions.
Anyway, when you said you hate when x is rude - to me, thats saying something about an aftereffect thats TOO far down the line. Its like saying you hate that the global ice caps are melting when really somebody forgot to turn off the lights again.
Maybe if you had said to your mom, gee that whole thing this morning kinda upset the whole household, i still feel on edge, can i have a hug? (Or a cookie! I originally wrote cookie.  ) Then you address what is REALLY going on, your mom doesnt feel like she has to choose who is right (was x rude or not?). |
Oh that is really helpful. Yes I knew that the reason she didn't respond is that she didn't want to take sides (as it likely sounded like I wanted that). I don't think I did want her to agree with me as such which is why I would have been fine her saying that x is stressed out...I think what I wanted more was that I was feeling high in emotions and I didn't know what to do with it. I could have asked for a hug, rather than seeming as though I wanted to debate it because really I didn't. That's useful - do you think if I communicated better then I wouldn't feel unheard/wouldn't be in this current situation? Does it rely on me being able to negotiate this? It's silly but sometimes I think I want something but don't always know what it is...I wish my mum had understood and helped me.
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Originally Posted by lolagrace
The other issue I see here is that your Mom probably doesn't want to put herself in the middle of your conflict with this other family member. She may be choosing to remain silent to just keep out of it. Biting her tongue so to speak. It might be the better of two evils perhaps.
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Yes I understood that is why she didn't speak. I understood that at the time, so a big part of me felt bad for being a bit of a ****** and saying what I did because in all honesty the family member was just upset and in family and able to act a bit bratish - but that is not how she is normally at all. We all have days like that and I should have cut her some slack! And I know I shouldn't have asked that of my mum...it was just hard when I was pretty overwhelmed emotionally and it made me stumble and communicate badly then every part of the communication broke down and I was alone...and feeling aware that I was being a bit of a brat myself!
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Originally Posted by Perna
I think you have to work on how to soothe yourself? When you don't feel heard, you have to talk to yourself  and a journal or diary or just scribbling, etc. can help me. Or, I talk out loud, get a couple voices going discussing the issue and after awhile the whole situation will make me laugh at myself and ease my sense of injustice.
Why do you have to be heard by other people? Other people have their own things going on as you have noted and they don't appear to be very useful to you? Like hankster said, sounds like your mom is not very good at it? Instead of looking for agreement on how you feel (that so-and-so was rude by not responding/accepting your outreach) from outside yourself, give it to yourself from the inside. I suspect your friend who was "lovely" was disappointing because she wasn't there and her agreement with you doesn't mean that much? It is okay to want to be agreed with, everyone wants that, but seeking it and expecting it and being disappointed when we don't get it from others is a little like setting one's self up to fail since we can't control other people and their thoughts, feelings, and actions, only our own. |
I really want to be able to hear myself but I genuinely don't know how. I welcome any advice. For a long time I have communicated to myself through self harm - this situation would have made me go away to cut or whatever...because then I say to myself "bad for asking too much - bad for not being understanding - but yes I feel alone and upset and alone - look and see, I do feel this, maybe others don't see it and respond to it but I can see it by this cut (or whatever). And I really get that is pretty silly. Yes, I think I'm relying on others then feeling let down when they don't match me completely. It is a vicious circle, I want to be able to see this sort of situation for what it is and calm myself and feel justified in my feelings, not my actions (because I said and did things wrong) but it is okay to feel upset that my family member didn't talk to me (I like her to be happy and it upsets me when she isn't and I can't do anything about it). I have tried to journal and that does help me with bigger things but not these small interactions so much...although maybe I expect my feelings to go - does that happen? May be I could try talking to myself in different voices - how do you do that in a busy family environment?
Thank you for all your insight. I want to hear myself, I'm really struggling with being able to do that. It's always been an issue for me.