Blowing money is a pretty common problem for people with Bipolar Disorder, but I have the opposite problem: I have trouble spending money on non-necessities. I'm not cheap. I'm wiling to pay for high quality items that I need, but I won't spend a buck on something just because I want it.

My mom gave me $100 for my birthday. I was excited to set it aside for medical bills and the student loans I have to make payments on while I'm not in school. She insisted that I spend it on something I really want, like a full subscription to the New Yorker (12 weeks for $12) or a new pair of oxfords. We drove to a mall where I tried to bring myself to buy a pair from Aldo, but I couldn't do it. She was disappointed to find that I decided to buy three new pairs of thermal socks from a dollar store instead (surprisingly, they've got good socks there).

I've already set aside enough to send more than the minimum payments on all of my regular bills for the next year. I rarely have extra money to blow on myself, but I can't even bring myself to spend $12 of the $100 on something I enjoy. I didn't even realize it was a problem until my mom pointed it out today.

I'm gonna force myself to buy something I like, because I know it's what she wants me to do with the cash. I can already tell that I'm going to have a ton of guilt after I buy it. Is this some weird anxiety thing I've developed as a result of being left in poverty after paying bills from my psychotic episode?