So, you all were right, well, at least about my marriage counselor (MC), who I talked to about it today. I'd shared with my husband over the weekend, and he reacted as well as could be expected, though a little freaked out. He suggested we mention it to MC, since we were seeing him today and I don't see my individual T till Wed. (I am going to talk about it with her, too, of course). Plus MC and I have a good rapport, though I also have some erotic and paternal transference for him (which both he and H know about).

So after starting the session with some lighter stuff, H suggested I talk about the other thing. I gave this whole long preface saying I was kind of afraid to talk about it, because I didn't want him to freak out or be too worried. MC said this thing about how he has a certain impression of both H and I (having seen us for probably a couple years now) and that, for the most part, anything we do or say now probably wouldn't change that impression much, unless like we'd murdered someone. (Part of me would love to know what that impression is--part of me is afraid to!) He said how everyone makes mistakes, and that doesn't change who they are. I was like, "Well, this wasn't so much a mistake thing." Then he was talking about something else (I forget what), and I was like, "No, not that either." So he said, "Well, I could spend all day guessing, or you could just tell me!"

Took me a minute or so, but I got it out. Clearly wasn't what he was expecting. He first confirmed that I didn't want to end my life. Then he said how common my thoughts were and why some people do it, and also how it can become an addiction. He said he didn't want to act like it was no big deal, because it is something, but it's also not this horrible thing. He seemed to strike a good balance between taking me seriously and being concerned, while not being like "Oh my God, time to check you into the hospital!" There was a little joking in there (it's how he generally is), and he said if it was a big, serious, awful thing, then he wouldn't be joking around.

One interesting thing was that he always wears glasses, and he took them off shortly after I opened up to him about it, and then kept them off until it was time to schedule the next appointment. It struck me, because he doesn't normally do that. It made him seem extra caring and attentive--so maybe that was his intent. (Though with the transference, there was also an element of, "Oh, he has such nice eyes...no, must focus on what we're talking about!")

We talked some more (he was asking H's impressions, too) and was saying he was glad I told him and that it's better to talk about things like that. MC said we could talk about it more in there if I wanted (like in future sessions--I said it was partly up to H, but H said it was something that could affect the marriage, so we could). And that I should definitely bring it up with T and p-doc, which I was planning to (T Wed., p-doc Friday). And that he doesn't think p-doc (or T) will be freaked out either.

He didn't seem to have an opinion on whether it was a result of the Effexor, stopping Paxil, or just other emotional stuff that came up in therapy/stress in my life. I was saying how a lot had come out in therapy with him and T in the past couple months, like childhood stuff, and how that had been painful. He compared therapy to lifting weights, saying that it hurts right after you do it, but ultimately makes you stronger. Which makes sense.

So I'm really glad I brought it up and am satisfied with his reaction. I did say he could tell T if he wanted (I signed stuff before that they could share info), but he said he thought it would be better if I was the one to tell her, which does make sense. I can report back after I tell her.

Thanks for the support.