Dear T.
I contacted another therapist. I feel I'm drowning and there's no one to notice it. I wonder if you would give up on me if I found the courage to tell you, so I felt this urge to have "someone else" to eventually cling to. It was so hard T. I didn't like anyone online.. then I got a very kind reply from this one very close to my place. She seems really nice. She's older. And screaming "maternal transference" in my mind - which is the only thing I don't have now. I don't even wanna think about it adding to the mix. I don't want to work with her, T. I don't want to work with anyone else.

I told her I'm not new to therapy, that you helped me through the most intense period and biggest changes of my life but now you might want to end things quickly as you are going to leave temporarily so I might need someone else because I don't seem to be stabilizing "in time" as everything in my life keeps changing. I'm suffering deeply from all these changes, why don't people get it.

She asked me what makes me believe that such a caring T whom I'm so fond of would be tired of me just because I'm not well or they're leaving and if I talked to you about this. She then asked me why I haven't and what about doing it.

I'm depressed. I hate myself. I feel completely lost, not because you are leaving but because I am somehow sure you think I'm too slow and you can't wait to terminate before you leave so that you won't have this pending client once you're back. I've always dreaded you telling me I'm too slow and I need to go. I've been kicked out for my whole life. I've never really felt ready for anything.

I felt empty. She made me promise I would talk to you and take time for the sessions with you now.
Now I feel horrible because of all the times you told me "your space is there and will always be until needed" and we will only terminate by mutual agreement, even just a few days ago. I don't know why I can't believe you entirely, I don't want to live with the threat of abandonment for my whole life. I want to come to terms with myself so desperately. Why does it have to be so painful?