Thehours, you may have been right... she might have tried to have that talk with me. She went through a period of "no cancer" for 6 months, and for those 6 months she lived. She took a trip to South Carolina with my sister, and she dug out in her garden. She really did live those 6 months. She always said, "You know what happens when it comes back, right? Chances are it will..." I would always say, "Stop it. I don't want to talk about it, you're fine."

I can remember... right before we took her to the hospital for the very last time (she had to get a stomach bag to drain whatever was in her stomach, because by then the cancer had compromised her entire digestive system and small colon) she kept throwing up. She couldn't keep anything down. One night I was pacing the floor, saying to her, "You can't keep doing this mom. SOMEONE has to do SOMETHING for you." It seemed everytime we took her to the hospital, they would load her with fluid, she would fine, and she would come home and throw up everything again. So we would have to keep taking her back. I mean this throw up wasn't ordinary it was green and looked like coffee grounds. I couldn't figure out WHY she kept throwing up! Finally one night, weaker than a newborn colt she was laying on the couch and looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I can't keep doing this, can I?" I don't know... if she was asking for permission to stop and let go or what - I can only think now what it meant to her to tell me this, and I looked right back at her - and at the time I thought she meant, "hey, I can't keep doing this they need to figure out what's wrong." No... I know she had to have meant, I need to go... and I need you to let me go.

I know she was hanging on for me. For my brother, and my sister. My brother was having a baby with his gf in May and she wanted to be here for it. She was our only... she was mom and dad, since my dad refused to acknowledge he had children. She was everything to us. So in a way, I think that she was holding on and trying for us... but she got tired, her body got tired, I guess I don't blame her but... it still sucks.