i am not a morning person. i'm a aim to arrive at work in time for morning tea (10.30) and miss it almost every time (11.00) kinda person. my peak working hours are between 6pm and 2am - though if i pull one of those i'm likely to get up around 12 i'm also a 10 hour sleeper for preference.

i see my therapist at 8am on fridays. that involves my getting up around 5.30-6am. i'm often unable to get to sleep until 12 or 2am the night before. the session goes okay (i feel awake). after the session... I feel so tired... so tired... i think a couple hours sleep will help me out so i go back to bed (around 10.30 or 11. sleep and sleep... sometimes i drag myself out of bed for drinks after work (around 5). sometimes... i feel too tired for that and i sleep the day and the night.

i kinda did that yesterday. briefly cleared out my old room and went to visit friend at hospital (so got up for a couple hours). then back to sleep. slept today too. it is 5pm and i've only just made some food and turned on the tv. haven't even had a shower yet. need to pull some work tonight...

i feel weird. haven't felt this way for a long time. i do some sleeping to be sure. i also do a lot of... being caught. traumatic feelings. feeling them... feeling them... trying to imagine t lying next to me. holding me. trying to imagine me figuring out how to entwine myself around him so he can hold me because this damned body is too big.

what does this mean?

is it good because it means stuff is coming up? does that mean i'm taking risks with him and doing the work etc. does it mean that i'm pushing too hard? maybe i should not allow myself to sleep. i don't think it really is about my needing sleep... its about me needing time to feel the trauma feelings...

i don't know...

i said a couple things that made him startle slightly last time. one of them was about my feeling anger. i said i'd never really felt anger at my dad. that i guess i couldn't feel anger at him 'cause then he would reject me for sure. he said 'how do you know this? do you feel it now?' and i was like... 'no, but it makes sense'. the other was... i said that the only time i ever got to spend alone with my dad was when i went outside with him so he could have a cigarette. i said that is probably why i smoke.

i didn't really feel anything... just... well... i felt pain. i felt pain when i was saying how my father chooses my stepmother over me. that he has made his choice and there is nothing i can do about it. i felt pain. aside from that just a whole heap of numbness.

see him on friday...

then don't see him the following week 'cause i have conference.
then don't see him the week after that 'cause he is taking a week off again.

i feel so disconnected. so abandoned. so alone. i need to see him more. i need more of him. he isn't enough. he isn't enough.