Hi Moonsilk,

Except for the phobias, your post could almost be mine. I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago. My flashbacks of childhood molestation began within about a year of my daughter's birth (which was about 22 years after my abuse), and from what i've read that's not uncommon. I don't understand why, but it happens. I get images and emotions on different occasions, usually prompted by something I associate with the abuse or abuser. I only sleep well by exhausting myself first -- I simply don't close my eyes until I can't hold off the sleep any longer. I'm not recommending you do this, but letting you know I have sleep problems too. I've had problems functioning in society also. For example, I used to avoid any kind of crowd, I could never pay for anything with exact change for fear I counted wrong and would be hauled back to the cashier, I could never go out in public with my shirt untucked, I used to buy new shoes all the time because I would feel people hated the pair I just bought the week before and thought I looked bad in them. I once went eight months wearing only one of two pairs of almost identical pants because they were the only ones I thought I looked good in. I usually don't eat a meal unless other people are around to eat with me. I could go on, but hopefully you will find comfort in this knowing you are not alone. But most importantly, yes, things can get better. I haven't bought new shoes in the last six months and now wear any number of different pants. Some of this progress had to come with accountability to others and very deliberate efforts. For example, I once pledged in group therapy to go to at least one store with my shirt untucked before our next therapy session. I went to the store, shirt untucked, and tried to make eye contact with people. No one was noticing me at all and that gave me confidence that I didn't have be afraid of going out in public without looking "perfect". I also began to realize I was overcompensating for low self-esteem by trying to project an image that I was fully put together. I have to give myself permission not to try to be perfect and accept that I'm on a journey of recovery that will take time. Really, you're not alone, and you can feel and function better. Stay close to those who love you and keep talking about your feelings and experiences. In my experience, this will help. It may be slow, but it will help. Every time I hug my daughter I know the effort is worth it.

mtd