...and life actually. They are interfering with everything, and I feel like I'm wasting time.
I can't seem to admit to T that I am not functioning. I go in smiles and distance and walls, and that is all she gets. I leave with little to no concept of what went on in session. I don't know. It's like I am walking around these days on auto-pilot, only I know I'm on auto-pilot and missing a bunch of stuff.
I'm not sure how to convey it to T. I've told her walls have gone up and I feel a huge disconnect from everything, but then I'm able to make small-talk. Anything we talk about is delivered with fake happiness, or no emotion at all.
I'm used to dissociating, but being less-aware of it. It's very frustrating to know I'm disconnected from everything, and know I won't remember conversations or events with any emotional connection...
I know I saw T today, but it already feels like days ago (and like it was a lame story I read, not an experience I have had). This is a relatively new reaction to stress. It's kinda like consciously forgetting everything, only I'm not intending to forget what goes on day-to-day, just distance from my current stressors. I've been meaning to talk to T about it more, but when the session rolls around, I "step out" and everything I had meant to talk about before I got there suddenly disappears. It's no longer important or relevant, nor can I necessarily remember what I wanted to talk about, just that there was something. I tried writing stuff down, but then I lose my nerve to give it to T. I also worry she will ask questions about it, and I don't have any answers. It's like, I look at it again and have no idea what I was talking about when writing it.
I dunno...
I start things, then I lose my train of thought (kinda like with this post... sorry...). I want to reach out for support around things, then I forget what it was that I needed help with, or why I would need help with anything, so I back-track and hang up or simply not have any idea what I was trying to say. It's so frustrating...

(at one point, these walls and the distance was something I had control over. I've since lost that control).