Thanks!

You can have a different life, a life that you want. But I think you will need to make some changes in order to do that.

The main problem as I see it is the tendency to see a serious relationship as something so exclusive that you don't take anything for yourself, you feel a lot of guilt if you do take things for yourself, and you become isolated and suffocated.

I would ask you to pay close attention to your daily life and be aware of those times that you sacrifice/isolate yourself. Notice when you sacrifice/isolate. Without judging yourself, say to yourself: There I go again.

And then I would propose acting in the opposite way: contacting friends, even if they are far away; getting involved in something in your city--something you like: volunteering, politics, classes, taking up a hobby, learning a craft, work in a soup kitchen, going out of your way to meet/socialize with your neighbors, whatever that may be and helps you meet people. Meeting people is your priority.

If you are working now, are you satisfied with your job? If not, think about changing it.

Doing these things will I expect make you feel anxious and guilty. My advice is to ignore the anxiety and the guilt and do them anyways. If you allow guilt and anxiety to dictate what you do or don't do, your life will keep being narrowed and diminished. Here is how you will overcome the guilt, the isolation: by putting yourself out there into things that you want to do and enjoy.

You can have a serious relationship without being suffocated.

And in your serious relationships: what happens if you say what you think--if for example you express irritation? Is it a relationship in which it is safe to express yourself? This is very important. A key question is this: Do you mainly suffocate yourself in serious relationships by isolating and limiting yourself...or do you find yourself in relationships where the guy demands that you suffocate and isolate yourself?

If it is the latter, then you should in my opinion look at your background to try to understand why this pattern repeats itself. You could start another thread on that!

My expectation is that when you find the voice and freedom to act on your own, and when your serious partner supports you in that, it will start to be easier to be sexual with him.

In a while, when you find ways to have some freedom in serious relationships, you might decide to reconsider about children. Might. (It is possible to have children without being suffocated.) But if that happens it will be a ways down the road. First (in my opinion) work on fixing how you function in serious relationships, and then you will be able to look again at what to do, or not do, with regard to kids.