It seems after two years of stability that I have entered a new pattern of my illness. About a week before my period I have a few days where I want nothing more than to die. The anger, pain and thoughts of failure are too much. On one hand, I know it will pass and I will be fine in a few days but on the other hand I just want to fall so deeply into the insanity that I don't know the difference. Then I think it wouldn't hurt so much. I am in that pattern now. It is a beautiful day outside and I should go out and enjoy it but I just can't. I feel so stupid and weak. I go over all the failures I have had in life and all the people who hate me. Each month it is a little worse.

And I may still need to dump my T who I have seen for years. He is still seeing my ex, and he said that he was going to refer him out by the end of April. So very soon, I will have no one to share any of this with.

Whatever. No one really needs to hear about this.