I'm not really sure where to start (or if this is the right area to post this). Most of the reason I came to these forums is because I saw an article on PsychCentral where I said, "those are me". It was the article "The Roots of Loneliness".

I've really been struggling (my adult life for sure) to have friends. In the last year or two I've come to realize that it really is me that's socially inept. I've always blamed myself on some level, but I've also blamed others.

One thing that has really been hurting regarding friends lately are the email friends I use to have (other than my husband, the only friends I do have are via email). My head knows that life changes for people and they no longer have the time or commonality to email me anymore. Most days I can accept that.

But there are times when it really hurts.

My cousin, and email friend, had a major change in her life recently. I thought we’d still be friends after it. I guess we are? I don’t know. I emailed her three times over a period of a couple months and got no response. I didn’t want to be pushy. She did finally email me in response to my last one. She was cheery and happy and honestly seemed to have no idea how much it hurt that she hadn’t responded. She also had no idea how much it hurt by telling me some of the things she had done. One of those things she knew I really wanted to do. She didn’t invite me or even mention it to me until later. And when she emailed me she said I wouldn’t have enjoyed it. Um, thanks?

The point is I took the silence as rejection. I felt ignored. I hate being ignored. I hate being dismissed. It really bothers me. It makes me feel unimportant. It makes me feel like nobody. And when there is silence I tell myself over and over and over again that I’m nobody. I can’t seem to stop it. Later, when I’m feeling a bit more rational and level headed I can insert possibilities about why something didn’t happen. But for the life of me when I start going down into those “I’m a nobody” depths it’s hard to get out.

I’m hoping, I guess, that these forums will get me out of those depths when I start feeling them.

I’ll leave it there for today. Sometimes I feel like I could write for a while. Some days, I can barely write two words because I feel I’ll say all the wrong things.