Sister, That feeling as if we die when they go away, I think gets easier as we become stronger inside. I think its that we put into them/others what is ours in the first place. I think its a case of gradually learning to take back our own personal power.

Its feeling that sense of self and holding onto that whilst alone that I struggle with. For me being abandoned in the very first days of life I never learnt to grow that strong ego identity at the age appropriate time.

I feel like the theraputic room is the womb and the more I sit and talk and talk, no matter what I talk about, I am learning who I AM and who T IS.

When I come away from sessions now I do feel a greater sense of WHO I AM. Its still not enought yet.

I remember T once saying to me in my first yr of T, that when she goes away, I feel as if she is taking something away, but she's not.

I don't know why its so hard to become self aware, self contained, its like I do not trust enought in myself yet, I guess because my earliest pre verbal memorys are of being seperated from my womb/birth mother which felt like part of me, the rip/tear is the feeling memory I struggle with. I am still emotionally connected to that safe place, the womb, which for all us feels like who we are for ever

When T's not there if feels like that rip/tear/self seperation is happening all over again. Cept its not quite as bad now because I am indivdulising more now. I exist for longer times away from T. I keep in mind that sense of self longer, instead of transferring that sense of self INTO T, or anyone else I attached too.

Its a wierd feeling as you start to take back your self transferrance, people loose their power, you see them for who they are, the panic that will go away easiests.

I sometimes think, wow what do I do now with that space where I've made everyone so important to my surival? Well I use it to make myself more important to myself. Not sure if that makes sense? I have more internal dialouge going on, instead of looking outside of me to others to depend on, I spend time wondering what I like, and actually experiencing a feeling that directs me.

Its like my vision is going between them out there, and me inside and the balance changes until I know who I am and what role others play in reality, which sometimes is a little disappointing after putting them up so high on a peddle stool LOL.