hi lonely
i fully understand the rollercoaster you are on. i rode it for 30 years and refused meds at all costs. then it reached a point where i knew i was going to be dead and i had to break down and take meds. i had to let go of all the "reasons" meds were a bad idea and just take them. i dont know where you come up with the idea that meds are addicting, the benzos are, but there are no reason to take those to stabilize bipolar. wellbutrin saved my life. total turn around for me. it took a while to find the right meds for my bipolar, it was aggravating trying med after med. but i controlled it. if i didnt like a side effect, i made them change it. they would say wait it out. i refused. if it wasnt working within a month, i made them change it. i wouldnt increase a dose on something that wasnt working. eventually we found the right meds for me. i have a perfectly normal life. the only med that every made me more suicidal was when i took lunesta but that was for sleep, not a bipolar med. when you hit your bottom, you will be willing to try anything. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome