Quote:
Originally Posted by Mapper
My problem with trying to stand up to him is that he just gets so angry and that makes me miserable and I just cower. . . . . . . . I didn't want to even turn on the tv because that would probably upset him . . . . . . I'd like to get a mosaic tile kit and start doing those or get a starter kit on fused glass or even take a class on those but he'd probably tell me how silly it is to do that. I basically just shut down when he's like this and don't do anything I like because all I want to do is make sure he's not mad at me. I can't break away from it.
Do you think he's got NPD or what?
|
First of all, it makes absolutely no difference whether he's got NPD or what. I don't believe in doing amateur psychology. I know
narcissist is the buzz word of 2015, and everyone who is very hurt and frustrated at someone wants to be able to put that label on their tormentor. As if that is the ultimate payback. It's not. The ultimate payback is to emancipate yourself.
Secondly, it is not true that you have no backbone. You think you are minimizing stress in your life by walking on eggshells, but that is turning out to be an even more stressful way for you to live. But it is what you are used to doing. Human beings have a huge tendency to stick with what they are used to. They think the world will be so disrupted by change that it won't go on. Your husband thinks that the entire universe is out of whack, if he is not satisfied. You think that the world will stop turning on its axis, if your husband is mad at you. You are
both wrong. Him being dissatisfied is not the end of the world. You having an angry husband is not the end of the world either.
You are creating a monster. I'll bet this behavior of his is worst with you. You're the first person he's found who will indulge it. (Though you get your revenge by shutting down, which also makes him angry.) His last wife wouldn't indulge him and his daughter won't. (She may be a little chip off the old block.) But you are the first person to act according to the principle that he must be kept satisfied no matter what. I'll bet some of his drinking gets triggered by him being in a bad mood, so maybe part of your fear is fear of undermining his sobriety. Well, that kind of sobriety isn't going to last long no matter what you do or don't do.
Get the mosaic tile kit and spend time with it. Yes, he'll think it's silly, but so what? You
can break away from this pattern. The choice is yours. Right now you are not succeeding in your goal of making sure he is not mad at you. So your approach is not working, even by your own standard. He's still mad no matter what. And he is getting worse.
You will not die when he disapproves of you. You are not that fragile. He will not die when he doesn't get his way. He will live through that. What you say about feeling sorry for him is very revealing. You truly don't think that he can handle the stress of ever getting any opposition from you. Like his head will explode. It won't. You are making him weaker. That is not love. Do the loving thing, and show him that the neither the world, nor his head, will explode when he is not given in to. You'll also learn that your world doesn't explode either.
Faith is the most important thing in life. Have faith in your husband's ability to grow. He can, if he is resisted with love. Have faith that your love can help him get over this hump that he needs to get over. It's a huge hump, but the two of you can both do it. Someone needs to be the first to believe that that is possible. That someone is you. He needs you to believe this for him. This is how you take your love to the next level.
Or don't and then feel welcome to come on here and rant. But some little tiny voice inside of you is saying, "Surely, there is another way." There is!