In my early 30s, been hiding out from the world completely for 5 or 6 years now, and mostly throughout my life. No friendships, relationships or major responsibilities. Operate when the sun goes down. I tried telling myself for the longest time that what kept me from everything and everyone was natural - just the way I was, I had no need for the things other petty humans did, blahblahblah.

Some of it's true. I'm content in my own company for the most part. But am also terrified of being known/seen/judged. I can't even post online without combing over the details 20 times, and often end up deleting whatever it was. I feel like a stumbling simpleton around my peers and those younger than me despite being fairly intelligent. I worked as a manager for awhile in my 20s somehow, but nobody really respected me. To them, I just kind of lucked into the job or whatever, through seniority. Employees kept coming in late or taking days off I'd have to fill in for. I'd even catch them watching TV shows on their damn laptops in a drawer or something, and I said something once and I was suddenly the bad guy. My softly spoken reprimands did nothing and upper management didn't have time for such things. Some of these jerks had kids so I didn't want to write them up. It eventually did drive me to a breakdown and I've been mortified of returning to work ever since.

I tried a couple of times. But I'd get the looks, you know, from coworkers. "30? Not married? No kids?". Yes, yes and yes! Stop looking at me! Why is this any of your business? Why am I the odd one out? Feel the face start to flush and the eyes start to water. The break-room would be full of conversation and laughter and I'd be off in the corner reading a book, sometimes just the same paragraph over and over again for an hour. Eating a ****** walmart sandwich, hoping nobody would address me. Eventually I took it out to the parking garage. That job didn't last long.

Lately I think it'd be nice to find a partner like me. But I find a million excuses for why I'm not worthy of that. Or why one doesn't fit in my life. How nobody could possibly understand. Not good enough. Would be hurt. Or hurt them. I have no possible matches. How I'd just kind of be a welcome-mat again. Or How I'd be a burden on them. It's weird, though. Because there's another part of me that thinks I'm pretty damn cool. Does anybody else have a hard time reconciling these two things?

And then the feeling passes, and being alone seems like the best option again. Even though it's the least practical option.

I sent out some resumes this week. It's getting harder as I get older. Lucky enough to have qualified for disability, but this gap keeps growing (both the employment gap and the gap between me and the rest of civilization). I think some of my family genuinely wonders if I'm still alive. Sometimes I wonder too.

I feel better now. Thanks for reading.