I've personally never experienced suicidal ideation taking any medications.

You may be surprised too. Some meds work right away. The ones I've taken have always worked right away for me (but that's just me. It's different for everyone obviously).

Ideally I'd like to not be on anything, but that's just not possible at the moment.

Medications really may make you feel better. Don't be scared of the meds. They really do help, once you find the right ones. It takes trial and error of course, but once you're on the right cocktail you'll feel much better. You do become dependent on them and will withdrawal if you go off of them, but there's tapering of course that makes the process easier (not that getting off of them is easy by any means. Have to be honest about that. When I weaned myself off of lamictal for the first time it wasn't fun, but it was bearable).

I truly hope you feel better soon.

Again, don't be afraid of the meds. They can be your friend.