i am going to try to share my experiences since i am not sure if it's similar to how you feel..but my whole life i have felt like an outsider, different from others, etc.

as i got older and became a little more aware of things, some of it got worse including not knowing who i am at times, what i want for my life, etc. i have never had the ability to see a future when i think what i want which many people seem to be able to do. i have never thought 'i want to get married or have kids' and never have seen in my mind being in those situations even though part of me would love to have those opportunities if possible.

as a result of that, it also has meant low self esteem, doubting and questioning myself, reality, people, etc. i also cannot seem to make many goals, short term or long term. i am not sure why. it just has always been like that for me.

i really have to take it day by day and try to find small things that can help me through things whether it's art, a pet, etc. and practice a lot of self care so i can distract instead of ruminating about certain things since once that starts, it can make that circle of thoughts spiral into depression..but i know it's not always possible to stop those things before they start.

not sure how helpful any of this, but you are not alone in not knowing who you are, etc.