Fake it 'till you make it...
I'm wondering if that works for my attachment to you? Of course that would mean faking it 24/7, not just around you which is really when I want to fake it. I have this dream of going on walks with you in nature. I don't see that as even a remote possibility unless I lose my attachment. It would probably never happen even then.

I have begun to try to stop thinking of myself as a freak when it comes to my dual feelings towards you. I have such strong emotions when I think about you sometimes. I just wish I could accept that my dad wasn't able to love me like I needed when I was little.

I feel like I am all over the place here.

When dad was at my house he fixed ex-H's computer for me. He took my laptop. I got the better computer in the end. I wonder if he took my silly stickers off of it. Anyway, dad spent several hours working on the computer and I wanted to help him. He let me hold the flashlight. I fetched the screwdriver he needed.

In the end though, I found myself sitting on the floor at his feet. Trying to talk to him. He was quite distracted and into what he was doing. Then I got a flashback of my childhood. Just like I mentioned the other day. Desperate for his attention and wishing he was as excited to be with me as I was to be with him. He even hurt my feelings about how dirty and dusty my house is but it didn't deter me.

I want so badly to just not give a s*** about any of this. I swear I feel like I am getting sick again. I'm crying less now but my hands are as shaky as ever. I'm at the point where they are bothering me again. It's times like these that I really miss numbing myself with drugs. I'm considering using the non drug way to numb myself but I really only use that when I am so upset I feel out of control. 54 days SI free. 46 days drug free. 9 days till I see you... I hope.

I love you.