I think I am crazy. You are right... I think I might gain some insight if I could see him again. I think I offered to do this (and this offer was completely out of character for me since I am basically a hermit, all I ever do is go to work and stay at home, I have no social life at all). Truth is I FEEL LOST since all of this happened in 2001, don't know who I am or what I want. I have never had anyone push my buttons the way he can, his opinion of me matter more than anyone elses.

I offered because I care about him ; thought this would be helping him plus it would show him that I truely do care about him, after all look at what I am willing to do for him. I would get to see him and might be able to tell if what I feel is real. Do I really love him??? Does he care for me??? Did we ever really have anything???

I have had a hard time making decisions since all this began (was never like that before), I am constantly second guessing myself, usually can't make decisions so I do nothing, it is easier that way. As far as sex goes, if I can't have him then I choose not to have sex with anyone else and that is what I have done. This is one thing I know for sure, he is the only one I want.

Actually thinking about seeing him scares me. Scares the hell out of me, and traveling that far alone scares me too.

My ex-husband is still around, he lives a few blocks from me, we don't see each other hardly at all and when we do we usually argue. I am constantly trying to not include him in my life but he has found ways to keep connected to me, but we do have a 26 year old daughter together who lives with me (that is a whole other problem, she has drug issues). He always accused me of messing around with this other man, but I could never admitt it, I figured why hurt him more than he is already hurt. We have been divorced for two years-two months, but not living together for one year. There is a part of me that is mad at him for not letting me go when I asked him to. I feel sorry for him and feel sorry for hurting the guy I was seeing. I have created this mess and just wish it would all end one way or another... but something had to happen because before when I was married, I don't know what was wrong with me, I was very depressed, suicidial at times, and for some reason was numb, I had no feelings. But then when I met this other guy, it was amazing, I actually had feelings and it felt good! It was nice to have conversations with someone who was sober, someone I respected. I can remember when I first met him I wasn't even attracted to him. But now he is all that I think about. It would be nice just see him.