Quote:
Originally Posted by IceCreamKid
Your initial question was why your husband said he wanted you to make more decisions and then he corrects you--or something of that nature.
I read through your posts. I believe you provided the answer in how you grew up with a parent you (at least periodically) could not please--and now you've married someone similar.
If it helps, I give you permission to start pleasing yourself. You've been able to do this since you were 18 but it is often difficult to realize this, especially if a parent hasn't helped us to recognize our own empowerment.
Your husband has some significant problems and I didn't see where you mention him having a diagnosis other than alcoholism--yet it seems to me more is going on. You can suggest he get a proper diagnosis and treatment plan, but you're not going to be able to force him. So here is what I suggest.
I know you don't want to divorce. But start separating your finances now. If he wants to buy $300 motorcycle parts it will have to be from money he has earned. Don't take out any more loans for him; don't co-sign for him; and don't have any credit cards in common.
Tell him that doing things his way is not working and that from now on you are going to live your life like the reasonable, hardworking person you are. Don't argue with him and I wouldn't respond to any of his childish complaints other than to tell him "I'm not going to argue about this" and/or "I am doing what is right for me".
Reduce the areas where he can create problems. Either make your own dinner--in which case you can make enough for two; or bring dinner home when you come home from work--enough for two. But don't listen to anymore rants or complaints or threats revolving around food, and don't cater to any unreasonable tastes.
Stay out of the daughter situation and unless you are legally bound, don't put another dime towards any of the problems he has regarding her. She was right to tell him off.
You'd be well-advised to go to Al-Anon meetings.
You're probably thinking, oh, none of this will change him. I agree. But you can change things for you--you deserve a happy life. Do what you want to give yourself a happy life.
I have been in a similar situation. I wish you the best  |
Our finances have been separated from day 1! I'm just too nice to say no when he wants me to get him a loan and he promises me the moon that he'll make EVERY payment. That he wants me to buy him motorcycle parts because he needs it for his motorcycle race and he'll pay me back next paycheck, which never happens because there usually isn't enough in his paycheck to pay me back or he realizes that he needs to pay off other debts he has. Our credit cards are separate. I have one which I rarely use and, if I do, I pay it off immediately. He used to have no credit cards up until about 2 years ago and then he got one. Then he got another one through Amazon because he got $100 off his order if he signed up for one. He is about $2000 in debt on each of those cards AND he opened up a Pay Pal line of credit but has that down to only about $200 debt. I just hate the fact that we can never get ahead because of this. We can't go on vacation because we don't have money for it and he doesn't show up at work enough to get a decent amount of days off because vacation is based on how many hours you've worked the past year. I really want us to go to Europe because I work for a travel company and we can take one tour a year for free except for airfare and him paying $100/day. Still we're looking at around $3500 to do that. He has told me the past 2 years "Oh next year we'll be able to go to Europe no problem". Yet every year he manages to get us deeper in to debt and then he says 'Well next year for sure we'll go". Guess what? It's next year and there's no way we're going to be able to go. He talks about all these home improvement projects we're going to do--rip up the carpets and put down nice hardwood which costs about $3000, put in new cabinets and floors in the kitchen, build a deck, build a pond in the backyard with koi in it. Where in god's name does he think ANY of this money is going to come from??!!! Is he just going to put it all on his credit card? How is he going to pay it off if he isn't going to have a job anymore??