Candybear you are right, no one speaks about this. And I won't trigger you. But you know what? It's okay to say the words outloud. As Dalia said, p.m. me if you want. it happens a lot. Dalia hit it on the spot. It is so painful, never having been cherished, nurtured, loved, just hated and despised because I had the wrong body parts. Well, I have had no contact for many years and was just tonight missing my father's mother whom my mother hated. Something reminded me of her when I was a young vegetarian staying at their house for a week. My grandma found a pair of bloody underwear from my laundry stuffed into my pants pocket and said to me that she pretreated them for the stain and left it. it gave me permission to be alive. I just was telling hubby I missed her and that I feel my Young adult son needs to know that his grandparents won't be around forever and to get what he needs now. They are a cultural and historical wealth. Anyway, funny that my nanny washing my bloody underwear had such an impression huh? You are not alone my friend. Please know that it took me years to talk about HER and I still struggle. You are doing well and thanks for sharing.