Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
Oh, I am so happy for you and you did so well too, good for you.
Hmm, he is obcessing about how you found out that he tricked you with the signing off on the house? That is another red flag, he is only angry when "his control" is questioned, even now angry at your mother too. He sounds very unstable and even paranoid too. Please be careful, the last thing you need is him acting out his pent up anger and deep fears on you. Let him think he has control for now so you can finish school and figure out what you want to do next. Don't play up finishing school or give him anything to feel jealous or inadequate about. Build "him" up some if you can, "Oh honey, thank you SO much for helping with school, I will pay you back so you can get something nice for your lovely boat or do something for "you". If he asks about your mother, just keep your answer something like, "oh she's just being a mom, what does she know?"
I think he is terrified you are going to abandon him and he is testing you in bad ways too, very unhealthy ways, so do your best to keep him calm. If he pushes the house topic, just say you are fine with it, after all, he bought it and pays the bills etc. Don't say you are hurt either, if he is a narcissist he won't respond well to that, could even make him angry and suspicious.
I suggest you keep things as calm as possible until you can meet with a therapist and talk about what is going on. None of us here are professionals, I am not diagnosing him either, that is for a professional to do. For all I know he is overwhelmed and very insecure and frightened inside and he doesn't know what to do with these challenging emotions either, some people can get very angry when that takes place, so it's better not to provoke that to take place and keep things "calm" if you can.
People are very complex, react to things in ways others may not understand, a lot has to do with how they can manage their own emotions, some just really struggle with things they have never talked about but are challenged with on a deep level they keep to themselves. He has expressed this in a big way with you when he did not want you to see him struggle yet curled up in a ball too.
My therapist told me he had a breakdown, a bad one and had to sort through his deep challenges with a therapist himself. Some therapists do experience that, don't realize their own problems until they break, however some actually heal while they help others heal. Unfortunately a lot of men "think" that having to get help to let it out means someone is weak, they are often told that by their parents, or even society too. Yet, because my therapist knows first hand how it feels, he has helped me a great deal, helped me be "ok" with expressing my own very challenged feelings that others around me kept dismissing which only made me worse.
Some people carry very deep wounds, want to love but are actually terrified of it so they push it away. Those who get help can work through it, yet others never do and they get mean and push people away to "self protect".
So go "easy" with him and after tomorrow get some help. You know, it's ok to learn about these challenges, no one is expecting you to "just know".
((Hugs))
OE
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Thank you.
Yes he is very angry and really has no reason. When I was explaining to him that I should be mad about the house, his rolled his eyes and said if your mom wouldn't have suggested if you were on the house. None of this would of happened. He doesn't like anyone. It's really sad because he was a happy fun type of guy.
I wonder if there is something else he is hiding that I need to know. Because he keeps bringing it up. I already told him that the house is not in my thoughts.
I don't mention school but I did tell him that I was done tomorrow. He said "cool". He does know that I'm always on the computer writing papers but as of tomorrow I wont be.
I don't say to much. When I have, he gets mad and turns it around to make it look like poor him. It has not once been about my feelings or pain. I'm not the type that brags about school or anything else but yes I have been saying it here to everyone to give them an idea of how much longer. They've been with me through this from start to almost finish. I sure do appreciate it.
All this happened four months prior to finishing school but he never said a word. If in fact he thinks are problem was me not cooking. Then why does he cook now? Its because he always has. That is what he has always done. Its like before. I don't know if he doesn't realize that what he said is not matching up with him liking to cook. In the past, we both cooked and he never made a big deal out of it.
I know he has issues with his emotions. He has mentioned to me that his emotions have to heal and it will take some time. He made me so mad the other day I told him to sleep in another room. He finally went. I told him yesterday he can come back in the main room. He said NO, I'm mad at you for kicking me out. He has to do things on his terms and when he says. Almost like a spoiled child.
I did mention that I was hurt by his comments and actions (in general). He got mad and said I dont know If I want to be married. That's when I asked him to go to the other room. Yet the next day he asked If I wanted to go shopping. Of course, I didn't. I don't like when someone gets mad then tries to buy me something.
I'm not telling him that I'm seeing a therapist. It angers him and say they're for the "weak", yet he is the one that really needs to talk to someone that can help him sort out his issues.
One thing I wonder about is he called me at work and asked who knew about our problems. I said no one other than my family and his. He said I needed to tell my family not to be telling anyone because he doesnt want anyone to know. No one has said a word so I'm not sure why he would care??
I know there is something going on with him but only he can help himself. I stay very low key right now with him (eggshells).