i feel messed up & very damaged from everything that has gone on. i find it impossible to try & let go of & accept the past more & way everything is.

i've tried & done everything i can to heal & recover from everything. i used a lot of drink/drugs in the past & also had a lot of very severe psychosis. First episode was at the age of 17, & i had a very bad experience of being forced sectioned & forced drugs on a locked ward for 4 months - i was very heavily medicated. At the time when i was released, i went into full time work for a few years before another major episode/breakdown, that ended in a severe suicide attempt & another hospitalisation.

Age 25 i was again hospitalised & placed on a very high dose of neuroleptic medication, which i stopped after a year cold turkey & again resulted in another section & hospital stay.

In total i was hospitalised 4 times.

The past 13 years i've been following a path of sobriety & exploring everything i can in regards to healing. The first 3 years of sobriety i stopped the medication twice & had a lot of very severe psychosis. For the past 10 years i have maintained a low dose of the neuroleptic medication - i'm too scared of what would would happen if i stopped it again.

i haven't been able to stop smoking tobacco, & feel very heavily addicted to it. i need to try & exercise more but am very lacking in motivation. My overall functioning has been very effected & i have very low motivation. i've not been well enough to work for 13 years, & it's a job to maintain the stability i have & independent living.

i feel very abused/damaged by the psychiatric system, & i don't feel they have been much help. i find this society largely very uncaring & not very understanding with it all.

i've not had the worst of lives, but things have also been very difficult. Family dynamics have been hard & 'dysfunctional'.

i suppose it's a case of plodding on as best as possible.