28th day on this depressive episode. While the active part of suffering seem to have fainted, every type of haunting thoughts still cling to my mind to the point of suffocating me. Not feeling very anxious because I feel that there is nothing I can do. However, althought I feel some vital instinct, I feel as if death should be reclaiming me and I was sucked back from any beloved thing.

My therapist says that this pain is part of the positive process. I know that pain is part of the healing, I know that I'm changing a lot of bad habits and that can't be easy. But dammitt, this PAIN can really scare me off...

For instance: yes, at 36 I should be living on my own, but if I was not under the eyes of my parents, would I restrain from getting some drink?
Yes, I should get a woman, but sould I be able to maintain a relationship while depressed?
And there are many more "what if?". I REALLY hope that the righe med will be able to soften and shorten these bouts, or I'll always be scared and exposed to disappointments.