i always tell myself to not let myself feel depressed and ****** when it's already to late. i sit outside or in the garage and i can hear my family inside and they sound like there a hundred miles away. i know all i gotta do is get up and go in there and be with them and i'll be fine or i can pretend to be fine and that's better then being so dark but i can't and i don't know why. i feel like to get up i gotta lift a million pounds or my feet can barely move and the urge to just sit and stare at the wall and zone out is so strong. i go out to the store or just try to walk off the feeling and i hate everyone i see. i hate every single person and ever single that goes past me and i'm just begging for someone to say something to me so i can tell them to %#@&#! off or someone to push me so i can push back. everything looks dirty and everyone seems like there stupid or %#@&#! with me. i start fake fights in my head with parents of things i wish i said and did but can't do because there dead now. i know that i'm angry and i have "anger problems" i been paying a therapist for the past four years to tell me that but i don't know what to do about it. everyone always says find something to channel your anger, go running or but it don't work. i used to have a punching bag but if hitting something is how i get my anger out then i'm my father and that makes even madder. so i'm writing this and i hope that for today it will go away soon