Had therapy today at noon. It was one of "those" sessions. I told him so. I said that when I go home and think about the session, I will say, %#@&#!!!! It was one of those sessions in which he insists that we did work through some stuff, although I can't see that at all. I did not feel connected. It wasn't because we weren't on the same page... it was because I felt as though I couldn't focus on anything... couldn't talk about anything for more than a bit before moving on... couldn't "get there" in regards to anything. Felt like I made absolutely no sense. We did figure out that this unconscious resistance was coming from the idea that I wanted to protect myself... it was another Saturday session, beautiful day, feeling alright... I didn't want to 'ruin' my good day by talking about upsetting subject matter. Then of course, I got pissed off at him because I normally do every week. I have realized it has become, largely, a defense for the mess of feelings I don't want to recognize in there. So I told him, "Now I'm pissed. Have you noticed I always get pissed off at you towards the end of the session." And he's like, "Yeah, I've kinda picked up on that." lol I like that I can tell him when I'm feeling mad. I had told him how I really wanted to bake a pie this weekend. At the end of the session, he asked if I was still gonna bake the pie. I replied, "Yeah, and it better come out good!" So he goes, "And who are you going to blame if it doesn't?" hahahahaha.... But all laughing aside, it was a very frustrating session, in which I feel as though I was making surface circles, and not going anywhere. He said, "It's okay to give yourself a break." I told him how I never give myself a break, for fear that if I do, everything will fall apart. Told him how just because he says it's okay, and in actuality, it is okay, I don't feel like it's okay. He said that he agreed, and that we would start right at that point when I see him on Friday.

I did make him laugh really, really hard. He asked me what type of pie I would make. I told him, "It has pears, berries, and a bunch of other crap." He goes, " A bunch of other crap?" and then he just lost it. Laughing hysterically.

He let the session go for 1 hr., 10 minutes. I feel like I wasted the extra time. I wonder why he let it go so long. I just wish that this extra long session felt more meaningful to me. I wish I felt connected.