Feeling like a failure today. I read my journal from August/September of 2004. I went to Menninger Psychiatric Hospital for 3 months that year. I spent 74K of my own money to go there and I seem to be dealing with the same problems 10+ years later. The only things that have reduced in severity but not completely are my suicidal ideation & self-injury. My obsession with people, especially therapists & psychiatrists, is just as bad.

Wondering if it would help my therapist to read some of it. Then again it has at least 2 sexual fantasies that I wrote about my psychiatrist. My therapist knows about her and how I fell in love with her though. He could just skip over it all. Then again, the way he works is in the present so he might not see it as helpful or find anything that he doesn't already know. Strange though, I found it made me cry as I read it.

I forget so much of my life. I'm glad I've been keeping journals for so many years. I found the date of my first appointment with my present therapist, September 30th 2004.

I had some good years between then and now. I'd say that it was probably between the years 2007-2011. Those were the years just before I got married and just before my ex-husband decided to stop living a life with me. I suppose I couldn't help get caught up in his downward spiral. Still... I feel like I'm back at square one.