Ok, ****trigger***** ***trigger*****
I don't know how to do the "hide" trigger..
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I wrote this to T yesterday after the session:

Dear T,

I cried all the way home trying to figure this out-

Wait wait wait
Are you saying you are volunteering to be the parent/teacher/sister safe attachment?..the safe holding I never received? Are you saying that my feelings for you (whatever they are) are expected and part of a plan to somehow bring together my shredded ..pause... What was shredded again....me?

Ok, you are saying you will let me depend on you and care about you? So, if I felt love for you- that comes from a young part-that it is welcome and part of the plan? You not only accept these feelings...but they are desired...as part of a plan to help me?

Did you say that when my mother told me she did not stop the abuse because she was afraid she would "get it" too...."Do you know what your mother was telling you? She was telling you that through all of your childhood, you were never safe." ?

Did you say we were now going to be looking back at all of the pieces and shreds and making sense out of them...or something..?

The reason I am having trouble accepting my positive feelings toward you is because I expect if I feel that way I am doing something bad. My mind is screaming, "No, no, no, don't get attached again!"

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It has been fifteen difficult years since I have had that (safety)..or something like that. PrevT has been there long distance but you offer me, also, the safety of your presence. I haven't felt safe FOREVER.

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Sometimes I hate to leave your office. Don't you get the sense that I am talking fast..taking in breaths, really, before I have to go back to my real life and drown. That's what it feels like.

Does it make sense to you now why I feel like I am a child?

Later, I wrote:

Having my abuse history laid open...for me to look at it all together...with you...feels overwhelming.

I feel angry that when I tried to get help for myself ...Pdoc1 saw it but sexualized it....and Pdoc2 saw it and had sex with the shredded mess.
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