@alwayschanging2 thanks for the compliment on my writing.
Your absolutely right. I am looking for answers, advice, even opinions. I know no one here can give me any kind of diagnosis. I'm just hoping that someone will read my posts and maybe help me to understand. And you would be surprised how many people have called me a liar. Like, apparently, no one else in the world looks at mirrors and pictures and sees the same person every time, just never themselves. I told my therapist that about a year ago and she told me that's not possible, said I was exaggerating or lying, she wasn't sure which. That was the last time I saw her. And she wasn't the only one. A lot of people I've talked to about my problems (not pros) have not believed me or thought I was totally insane. Maybe I am, I don't know. But because of it. I don't trust anyone anymore. Even my wife thinks my problems all come from me being high. Even though I'm stone sober when talking about this stuff. I wont talk about it in any altered state because of the nature of it.
okay, I'm saying too much. I'm actually tearing up writing this.