i'm not allowed to comfort him.
and he's not allowed to hold me.
and i'm not allowed to ask him.
even touch. that's not allowed.
i understand why...
not about my dad...
though i would have done anything for him
he never did anything inappropriate with me
he was just distant. aloof. avoidant.
but then there were others
and i would have done anything for them
anything to keep them around
well... not quite anything
but almost anything
more than i should have done
so now i feel...
sometimes i feel...
sexual attraction.
i know that it is about wanting them to stick around really
but it feels like sexual longing sometimes.
of course behind those longings are other longings
more innocent longings more childlike longings
to be held
to be rocked
to be soothed
trouble is that the other ones have become kinda intertwined with them
so the innocent ones need to be carefully guarded against
because of the not so innocent ones.

i've read a bit about that.
it is a hard topic.

i read something about how... even if a young kid approaches an adult for sexual contact... it is the adults responsibility to not do that. i read something about how... it kinda does come up with young kids at some point. they try all the rest of the boundaries and i guess trying physical boundaries is part of that. but like how they have to learn not to pull hair or bite or not to touch themselves in intimate places in public they also need to learn not to touch others in intimate places either.

ugh.

anyhow...

i guess that comes back to the notion that having the feelings is probably normal. the issue is that they are not to be acted on. i need to be responsible for making sure that i don't act on them. and... t needs to be responsible for making sure that he doesn't act on them. theoretically... it is supposed to be okay for me to express longings because he is meant to be the adult. but my history means... he can't be trusted. nope. can't be trusted. because i can't trust myself. if i thought it would mean he wouldn't abandon me (as i do) then i would feel powerless if he were to express willingness.

ugh.

rationally... i understand.
emotionally... damn it is hard.

i wondered whether i had projected onto my dad. i thought he was helpless and needed defending but maybe what happened was that i was projecting my feelings of helplessness onto my dad. maybe he didn't feel helpless after all.

or maybe i tried to defend and soothe him 'cause i thought that if i did that then he would reciprocate. he never did though. i do feel kinda betrayed, i guess. i guess that means that i did expect him to help me. i thought if i was good oh so good oh so really really good then he would take me away from my mother so she couldn't hurt me anymore. but he didn't.

:-(

i thought if i was responsive to his emotional needs then he would bond with me
that he would love me like i loved him
that he would need me like i needed him
that he wouldn't leave me like i wouldn't leave him

but it didn't work. you can't make someone love you. he left me. he left me. he walked away. he can't even look outside his own circle of pain to acknowledge me at all.