I'm having a really hard time right now navigating the whole divorce thing. It's hard communicating with my husband to do this. Misunderstandings abound. I try to practice the communication skills we are supposed to be learning in couples therapy, but I don't see that they help or maybe I am just not implementing them correctly. Trying this certainly does not make me feel better. It makes me feel horrible--like a failure that I cannot do this--and the target of many negative emotions from my husband. I hate this. I want to go to sleep, hibernate, and not wake up again until this is all over.

I didn't have my individual therapy session this past week, and it shows. It's hard having both individual and couples therapy sessions each week (the cost seem so extravagant), so I am not going every week for individual anymore. Maybe that is a mistake. I feel like right now I would like T's support, to bask in it, and then feel buoyed to go out into the world and deal with this some more. On the other hand, it makes me feel so needy to not be able to do this as so many other adults do, without a weekly visit to a therapist. Certainly, zillions of couples go through divorce each year, and most of them don't have a therapist. I am just a wuss?

I know it's not good to be feeling this way, but I am also starting to feel like I have to be more circumspect with T outside of the couples format, for fear something I don't want to may leak on into the couples session, due to T's "leaking it" inadvertantly. Like a few days before my last couples session, I called T and left him a phone message seeking some information for myself. I considered this a confidential phone call between him and me (even though we never spoke--it was just a voice mail I left him). But at our couples session, he brought up the content of this call and asked me about it. And wanted me to explain the whole thing to my husband. And I had not even mentioned this before to my husband and hadn't been prepared to do it. I guess it was no big deal, but I would have liked some advance warning this was going to be expected of me. In a similar way, T "betrayed" my husband by sharing some information at our session that he got through other means. So we both had to deal with these unexpected/compromising revelations that T made in session. I don't think I like that. But I think probably T is just trying to go for greater transparency between all of us, which is not necessarily a bad thing. And my response is that outside of our couples session, I will watch very carefully what I say to T either on the phone or in individual sessions. I hate that.

Sigh, hard evening tonight. Thanks for listening. ((((hugs))))