Hello Everyone!

Firstly, thanks for accepting me on here! Not really sure were to start but I will have a go.

I have a long history with Anxiety/Depression and had been put on anti-depressants and Diazepam approx. 13 years ago. Around this time I attended my GP who told me he would like to do a referral to Mental Health Assessment Team as he thought I may have Bipolar.

I was quite taken back by this and decided to change my Doctor as I did not want to be labelled with being Bipolar. My father has Schizophrenia and a younger brother has Bipolar also.

I was brought up in the care system since I was around 1 year old and spent the next 17 years in care homes/foster carers.

As a bit of background: I also spent sometime in a children's Psychiatric Unit (not quite sure why to be honest - although my current Psych Nurse has requested the archived notes).

I have experienced anxiety/Depression since the age of 15 years old. Over the years I became dependent upon the Diazepam and had become addicted to them.

I have been in Psych Hospital previously for multiple over doses as I would have drank alcohol to try and supress the feelings (mostly in a depressed state) resulting in taking over doses.

Mid March this year I was on a 'High' for almost 8 weeks (very little of which I remember) and lost approx. 4 stone in weight in this period. I really cannot account for much of this time and this is very frustrating.I was taken to hospital by Ambulance as a fireplace and mirror fell on top of me ( I don't know what I had done but apparently my neighbour heard this and called Ambulance). I stayed in hospital for 2 days (mainly due to the amount of alcohol in my system and the consultants concern about my mental health).

I then spent 2 and half weeks in a Psych Hospital. In this time I had detoxed from the Diazepam and alcohol (only on diazepam prescribed by the Doc x3 5mg tabs daily).

On discharge the Consultant Psychiatrist had discussed with me that he thought I had PTSD, Underlying Personality Traits (vulnerability - what ever this is?) and wanted me to attend day hospital 3 days a week for assessment for Bipolar.

I have been attending the day hospital for approx. 5 weeks now and in this time my Psych Nurse has mentioned that he has noticed that I had been very depressed for a couple of weeks and they became concerned about a change in my behaviour (I went on a 'high' for about a week) then crashed down to depression - sometimes there is no middle ground were I feel 'normal'.

He has also said that he has noticed quite a drop in my weight again and has asked the Psych Doc to see me ASAP.

Sorry if this is dragging on....I'm trying to out things into context and struggling with my concentration also :?

Can anyone relate to this?......

Sometimes I can feel a 'High' coming on and sometimes I can't (confusing). When I am high I do some very embarrassing things such as buying 12 pairs of trainers instead of 1 pair! Randomly and without thought sleeping with people I would meet online (something I would never do at all), spent an excessive amount of money recently on a business project that I had previously (whilst feeling level headed) agreed was not salvageable, Stay awake for a week or so without feeling the need for sleep, always taking on more than I can manage (and what I do take on I rarely finish), sometimes I feel irritated for no reason and frustrated that others cannot keep up with me.

There is quite a bit more I could add about my 'Highs' but the list appears endless!

Sometimes these 'Highs' are enjoyable, I feel I can get a lot more done and I welcome these sometimes when I have come out of a period of feeling depressed as when my mood is low I often feel life is not worth living, I am frustrated and embarrassed by my actions at times, the debt I have incurred through stupidity, not wanting to get out of bed, panic attacks at the thought I would have to venture out, even to the local shop for milk! It is really a dark, dark place to be as I am sure most here can relate to.

Recently I attended the local Emergency Department as I could feel the onset of depression after a 'High' and was getting urges to self harm. This is the first time I have actually sought help before things got to out of hand - I followed the advice given to be by my Psych Nurse....I was experiencing constant thoughts of death and obsessing over it, I was hearing voices and noises at home (I live on my own so quite scary), I could not really make sense of the voices I was hearing and could maybe only make sense of a few words - sounded more like rambling, I also felt cutting sensations on both by arms and was getting these extreme urges to cut my arms (something I have never done).

After attending the Emergency Department, the Crisis Psych Team wanted to admit me to the Psych Ward for my own safety. However I really did not want to go back to that environment and agreed to the Psych team calling at my home the next couple of days until I was due back in to the Day hospital a few days later to continue my assessment.

I get confused and frustrated at myself as these episodes are becoming more frequent (with shorter periods of normal moods in between - sometimes I just go from one extreme to another.

I get frustrated that at times I am able to see when I am getting 'High' or 'Low' and also the fact that when I am 'High' I do not always remember what I have done....just does not make sense?! How can I forget things like this??

So, currently my Psych Nurse has no plans to discharge me from Day Hospital, I do feel like I am in Limbo as I do not know what is going on and my Psych Nurse thinks I might have Bipolar....He has asked the Psych Doc to see me sooner rather than later as he feels I might need some medication for my moods (becoming erratic lately - ups and downs- sometimes change every week or so with no normal mood in between).

Sorry to be rambling on and sorry if I have not put things across clearly!!

By Psych Nurse has the best of intentions but is constantly forgetting to request PSYCH Doc to see me (day hospital is quite under staffed at present). This makes me feel as if no one really cares and sets me off feeling depressed.

I know you guys/girls are not here to do the PSYCH Doc's job, but just wondered if anyone can relate to any of this....like I say I feel as I am in limbo not knowing what is going on....

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Keith