When things were bad a while back, I promised myself I would dance at my son's wedding. On June 9, I did just that.

Since about the 1st of June I've been running on auto pilot. Numb, almost no emotion at all just doing......Going to and from the airport over and over, back and forth to hotel again and again, shoping for new washer and dryer, having w & d delivered, wedding rehersal, rehersal dinner, wedding, reception.......

I knew all the stress would finally get to me...it was just a mater of time. Woke up every day wondering if this would be the day. Trying to set mini goals just to keep on going. Trying to take care of myself... walking, eating, playing.

It's all just too much, I give up.

I'm tired but can't sleep (even with my little blue pills) Last night I woke up 5 times between 11 pm & 4 am when I finally got out of bed. Each time I woke up crying...tears were running down my face.

I can't tell anyone how I really feel....T, pdoc....because they'll throw my *** in the hospital. I won't go back. No more treatments!

What is so damn bad about the alternative.

I know, I know, I don't want to hurt my family...my kids, my grandkids are all super...I really don't want to cause them such sorrow.

but............................what about me?