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sabau2 said:
Hi TerriL and Welcome to PC I'm glad you are here.

I was married for 14 years to an alcoholic and it wasn't pretty. He also suffered from depression but refused treatment for either issues.

You have done him a service by having him leave and be responsible for his own actions. Alcoholics will lie, will place all the blame on another party, nothing is ever their fault. We as loving partners will play into their addiction and become enablers without even realizing we've done that.

First and foremost you must look out for yourself. In no other way would you be able to help him at all if he sucked you dry both emotionally and monetarily. Sometimes helping him means letting him suffer the consequences of his actions. But remember this very important thing, it is NOT your fault. You are not the one shoving the coke up his nose or the drink down his throat. He may have started those addictions as a way of self medicating through his depression. As we all know, alcohol is a depressant and only exacerbates his depression.

You have a good head on your shoulders and it sounds like you are willing to do what it takes to help your situation. It will not be easy, and it will hurt. But you must stand strong for your own sake. My prayers are with you and your husband and I hope he reaches out and finds the help he needs to kick his addictions and recover from his depression. I can tell you love him very much, make sure you turn your love on yourself too. You deserve it!

Hugsssss,
J

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Thanks so much for your encouragement and advice and thank you for the welcome. It really helps to know thier are people out there who understand and want to help.

I felt the same way about what you said " Sometimes helping him means letting him suffer the consequences of his actions."

After numerous attempts to let him know how I felt I ran out of options and said to myself this guy won't get help until he hits rock bottom and I don't want to be emotionally, financially drained waiting for it to happen or IF it would EVER happen.
I forgot to mention that I grew up with both parents being alcoholics. It was bad. I told my husband I grew up with it and swore never to be one and never wanted it in my marriage.

J, I don't know how you dealt with it for 14 yrs! What is your story on the final straw? What finally after all those years you decided to call it quits?
Was you able to just walk away pain free from all the abuse?

Let me just let everyone here know that my husband is NOT phyically abusive drinking or not. He does however get verbally abusive at times. He gets somber in his drinking, but yet his drinking is more of a social drinker he likes to be with a alot of people like in bars and he can strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. He hates being alone.

I did realize one thing as I look back is that for a while there I would go to the bars with him and then I got sick of it, It was just getting to be too much so I told him I don't want to go anymore or aleast not that often so he was mad about it and decided he will drink anyway without me. Which really spiraled all this. I told him he made me feel like a drinking buddy and not a wife.

He is very hurt right now and thinks its best we not see each other and he certaintly doesn't want to come here to the house because it tears him up inside. I understand that.

Could you answer me this? Do you think we should keep our lines of communication open ?