Gosh, Keb, sounds like you're really suffering. I'm so sorry.

Well, what I can tell you about my experience of having been exactly in your shoes at one time, is that it will get better. If I had "opted out" when I felt like you feel now, I not only would have hurt all the people in my life that love me (like you've mentioned in yours), but I would have missed out on finding out what "happy" feels like, going back to college for another degree and succeeding, working in a profession I enjoy, etc.

My point is this: Get the help you need for how you're feeling now. You're not yourself and you shouldn't be making any life decisions right now. Sounds like you need a real rest.

I don't know what treatments you are referring to when you were in the hospital. Are you medication resistant? Are you on meds and they're not working? Well, as we all know, there are tons of meds out there to try and then different combinations of same.

Get the help you so richly deserve. Nobody is going to lock you up and throw away the key. Don't do that to yourself.

And finally, killing yourself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you've got a T, start by calling him/her.

Good luck to you, for sure. Please keep posting to let us know how you're doing and that you're getting the help you need to feel better.
Best,
Okie