I'm struggling with this really badly lately. I never thought I'd struggle with it so much, to be honest. The dysphoria has gotten worse - both in regards to social and body - and I just couldn't think of where else to go. I feel, often, like I have very few social networks left. Isolation in relation to eating disorders is, sadly, very real (and very isolating). I know everyone here will understand it, though..

I started binding regularly a few months ago, and it's been mostly a positive experience. Mostly. During the height of my eating disorder, I tried to assume a female identity. I don't really understand why I did this. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with it, analyzing it, over thinking it... The point is, for about a year, I presented myself as "female". The social response from even people who "accepted" me left me in a state of shock. A state of shock I haven't been able to pull out of. During that time, I had convinced myself I was agender, or maybe nonbinary, or something. I am not. I just thought, maybe, it would be easier if I were. And soon, everyone was responding positively not only to the change in my weight, but the change in my appearance. They complimented me. Beautiful, pretty, shining. Whatever. Inside, each of those compliments cut like a knife. I felt hollow. Because it wasn't me. That is where this all begins, I believe.

I now have to "come out" again. I don't know how to do this, and that's what I want to talk about. Advice, other people's experience(s). I don't know. Something to remind me that I'm not alone. Because as of late. I feel alone. I have tried to come out again several times. I, as I said, have started binding. I threw away all the female clothes, because I was sick and tired of looking at them. I changed my name on all my social networks back to the trans name I have taken. And I have tried, so hard, to request people respect it. No one has. And it hurts that they don't even seem to make an effort. I could forgive it if they at least tried. I try to keep a level head. To understand that they may not understand. But it's driving me into a deep depression, the likes of which I've never experienced prior.

And as I said, the use of the binder has been mostly positive. Mostly. When I presented as female, I experienced street harassment a lot. This created fear of streets, fear of walking at night, fear of being outside alone. I'm relearning what LGBT go through. And it is just as bad, but from a less sexual, more aggressive place. On days where I look more masculine and (for lack of a better term, though I hate this term) "passable", I am mostly left alone. Other days... not so much. And I learned, today, that even when I'm "passable" it doesn't stop. I have now been called every derogatory word for people under the LGBT umbrella, including the f one (use your imagination). I'm shaken up after what happened today. It has opened so much confusion in me. About coming out, gender identity, sexual identity, and fear. I realize this post has been long, but the incident today was far more aggressive than normally, and I have been unable to make sense of a lot of things.

Thanks for listening. As I said, I guess from posting here... I'm mostly hoping to be reminded that I'm not alone, because right now I feel like I am.