I can actually relate to you a lot.

I'm a transboy, and while I don't identify as nonbinary... I do believe that the gender binary is a load of dog turds. I believe that society's overemphasis on masculinity and femininity for boys and girls is just utterly ridiculous. It encourages aggressiveness in men, and passivity in women, and then society wonders why we have so many problems.

I identify as male, but I also realize that I was assigned female at birth... and therefore I was raised female. I was raised in a time when parents didn't generally allow their trans children to present as the gender they identify most with. (This was just two decades ago, crazy how times change) Now, I see kids being raised as the gender they identify with... and I get a bit jealous, but I also feel happy for them. However, that happiness aside, because I was raised female... I have some traits that are typically considered feminine.

When I bought into the masculinity/femininity thing (the binary), I tried to conceal them. I had a butch friend in middle/high school who even shamed me ("boys aren't supposed to like those things" she'd say). Now, I realize it's perfectly fine. I don't wear dresses or makeup or anything, but I love Frozen, and I have a few dolls that I'd never let go of. Some of my mannerisms are "feminine" because that's just how I was taught to behave. Other mannerisms are masculine, though. My mom once pointed out how I "walk like a boy". I don't knwo what that means, but apparently I do.

I have trouble fitting in with transguys sometimes, too. Many of them feel they have to be 100% masculine all the time, and I can understand that. I remember when I was a vegetarian, getting hassled constantly by cismen ... being told that "men eat meat!" (while they beat their chest, of course) and it irritated me. I had cismale friends who didn't eat meat, and their identity was never questioned because of it. Transmen and transwomen alike are put to higher standards. If we're not 100% masculine or 100% feminine all the time, we are put under a microscope and our identity is questioned. It isn't fair, but it explains why so many transmen and transwomen feel they have to be. If they're not, they're doubted.

I am trying hard to ignore the doubters. It isn't easy. But I understand where you're coming from. You're not alone.

Welcome to the community.