I now know, that my friendship with alicia has been friends, but it felt like it wasn't. It wasn't right how it went, and how indifferent everyone is in my life.

I don't know how to make anything happen. How come does everyone around me get that together sooo easy and I can't make one day stick?

I've dated people before, but am I supposed to do it that same old shallow way and hopefully it'll work. Deep down, I wish my needs were satisfied with any relationship/friendship.

Sometimes I feel my life is meant to be untouchable go out in a bad *** life I can have and make the most of it. Be a showman playing live in front of crowds inspiring others and being distant from real connection. I feel I'm meant for this life, it chose me. I should play the part if I'm going to do good.

I don't know what to do or not. I know I should make my life how I want it to be, but really maybe the reality that having no one to hurt me isn't bad. Cutting every girl's opportunity to know me for my benefit will be best. This current modern day relationship crap is hell, and it's not worth your time unless your young. I'm still young, but when my time is up. I'm withered and I don't need dating to get me by my loneliness.

I need acceptance I'm dying alone. That my relationships of everyone was at best far and few. Mostly shallow and platonic felt more like the tip of the iceberg, and like an exclusive club of happy people together to share stuff. I'm happy when I'm not like this, but maybe no needing to share is alright.

Maybe my dreams of being in a single life, trying to be a model, and an artist may work my benefit single.