possible trigger warnings.
I'm fairly sure i don't have DID, i just think this is the most accurate place for this. I can't stand to look in the mirror. (not only because self esteem issues,that's another thing altogether.) I just, I can't look for a long time because when i look in the mirror, it feels wrong.
i never feel like it's me. I feel like someone else is staring back at me, miserably. it weirds me out to see my reflection,especially when i accidentally ever catch myself smiling. it freaks me out. It makes me so unnerved because as I've said i feel like it's not me, it's someone else. why would they even be smiling at me. I don't even smile a lot,so that in its own...anyways. I would say i feel like someone else is watching me from in my skin, but that's not quite it. i don't even identify myself with that skin. i don't know what i fool myself into believing i look like, but it's definitely not that...along with the mirror issue, i get the terrible feeling sometimes, and i question if any of this is even real. it's a little difficult to explain. sometimes i'll even off-handedly mention to a friend that it feels like a movie, a book, sOMETHING, to see how they react, because sometimes i just don't..FEEL like any of this is happening i guess. it's also always a weird reality check for someone to speak to me directly,using my name, or telling me how old i am, or even sometimes i get weirded out when people call me a girl/boy. (sometimes i get mistaken for either at any time, i don't know) because i forget that yes, i exist? sometimes i c an't even tell if i really did/said something or if i was just thinking of doing/saying it. existing is just such a weird thing for me, and i get so weirded out that time is constantly moving, i am constantly aging and am an existing part of that.
does any of this make any sense to anyone ? sorry for rambling/the disorganized fashion of this post.