Hi Terri,

Yeah, 14 years was tough. We split many times during those 14 years and for good during the 12th year. It took 2 years for the divorce to go through. He was fighting me regarding custody of the kids.

I think, in answer to your question, about my defining moment of getting out was the last huge fight we had where he had his hands around my throat choking me and pushing me out the door of our home, in front of the kids no less. After I got out of the choke hold and back into the house, he threw a hot iron at me and I began to hyperventilate. It was then that I called 911 and had him dragged out kicking and screaming and brought assault charges against him. Our physical battles were becoming more and more frequent. His emotional and verbal abuse was always bad.

It took me that long to finally realize that there was no hope for us, for him. When you are abused by a person, your self esteem is ZERO. You begin to believe every lie they tell you. Something snapped inside me that day and I realized it was either going to be me or him dying if we continued on. I refused to die so I did the only thing I could do to get out of the relationship. It was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life.

Did I walk away pain free?? Oh hell no. It is never pain free. There were a zillion pieces to pick up and put back together. There were children involved who's pieces had to be picked up and put back together. I battled inside me with guilt, love, hate, despair, and everything else you could think of.
To be quite honest, I'm glad I went through it. I learned so much from the experience and it has helped shape who I am now, some 20 years later.

I know you say he is hurt right now. That's ok. So are you!! Sometimes we need that time to regroup and reshape our thoughts about what is important to us. It is very difficult to think clearly in the beginning. So many different thoughts running through your mind, not to mention emotions running high and low.

I agree with the others about having a legal separation drawn up. It will protect you while things are being worked out one way or the other.

If at all possible, yes, keeping communication open is always a good idea. But, should he become combative regularly with you, blame you consistently for the way he is, refuse to get help for himself, find he is spiralling downward even more, you may want to consider cutting back on the contact. Those situations will certainly bring you down and make you feel more guilty, which is not where you want to go.

In most situations where separation/divorce comes from substance abuse, communication will have to be cut. Until the individual has been in therapy, gone to AA consistantly and is really showing improvement for a continued length of time (6months or more), they cannot "see" their own responsibility in the relationships demise. They become angrier and more abusive. Those are my opinions from what I have been through myself and what I have seen happen to family and friends going through the same issues.

I'm sorry this was long. There is so much to say about situations like this and I do tend to get wordy....LOL.

Hugssss
J

Oh, and one more thing, we have a wonderful forum for Substance Abuse Issues here. Take a look around and feel free to post there. You will get come great feedback from those who have been on your side of things and those who have had the substance abuse and are working very hard to stay sober. They are a great inspiration and full of knowledge