Thanks everyone. I still feel awful but thanks to MJ in chat I am feeling much better. The suicidal thoughts have subsided. I don't understand why I was having them. I wasn't exactly depressed. I know that doesn't make sense. What I mean is that this time I knew that things would get better. I knew that it only takes a little time for the sun to shine again but I still was getting the flashes of my death. Why is that? I can understand why I had them before. I had no hope. No concept that the pain would ever stop or had ever not been. I can understand wanting to die when one doesn't have any hope. But this is nuts. I know things are not as bad as they seem. I know that eventually I will pull myself out of it so why would I think thoughts like those? Before getting into the chat room I was at a point where I was seriously considering going to the emergency room. I was getting pictures of me putting my hand into the food processor for goodness sake. It is nuts. Totally nuts. Are they left over flashes from before, you know, like flashbacks? Or am I still hopeless dispite the knowlege that things will and do get better for me with a few hours time?
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson