I'm embarrassed to start yet another thread but I have to get my thoughts out of my head and written down before I forget. It also stops me from emailing my T right away.

I was so nervous that T commented about my still being nervous even though I've been seeing her for 5 years. It's true. I always am when we start, and then I calm down once I get started.

Regarding my email that she didn't comment on the teen crush, she thought it was the same subject as my asking about the purpose of the touching. Not true. My questions weren't related. But that got into a discussion about how careful you have to be about touch in therapy, and about crossing over. On both sides, T and client.

I'm not totally satisfied with the discussion about my feelings for her. She asked if I can just accept them and move on? She first wanted to know how they affect me. She said there's nothing to do about it, and again asked if I felt this way about other women. Oh, she was dressed more casually so I didn't feel those feelings today.

I said I'm afraid of her when I'm attracted to her, that I feel inferior to her, and think she's different, and why would she care about me? Yet I know she's nice. She said "Can't I be nice AND attractive?" I said "yes." She smiled and said she thinks she is both. I know that sounds a little vain, but she's not that way at all. She also brought up borderline abandonment fears. It's the first time she agreed with my BPD diagnosis that I remember.

We talked about her signing emails with love though I kept saying I didn't want to talk about it!! To her, I mean. I said I don't want her to stop because the child part likes it. I said I was afraid she doesn't mean it, she'll stop, why would she love me, etc. I think that's when she brought up fear of abandonment. She said holding my hand and signing love are both the same. I didn't quite understand that. She wants me to realize the connection is there even if we don't do it, or she doesn't write love all the time. So we weren't going to hold hands today, just have me look at her, and hold my own hand, but I asked so she did after all. Just for a few minutes. She's not taking it away just being careful.

We talked about my name too. Not sure if I want her to use my nickname, but I think I do.

I said I want to be able to accept loving her and her loving me, that my other Ts didn't let me love them, and they didn't love me in this way. She made it clear she means connection, not romantic love. Again, she said we have to be careful.

I was embarrassed, and feel like I wasn't totally there, and missed some of what my T said, but it was helpful. I feel like she understands my attachment issues and wants to help me feel secure about my relationship with her. The love and support via touch are ways to hold on to the connection, to do something to my nervous system.

In the beginning of the session, I disagreed with her respectfully. I almost burst out laughing because it reminded me of the discussions on the forum. She thought I was going to say that holding her hand was confusing, and it triggered my feeling attracted to her. I asked her if I could disagree, and told her it wasn't like that at all. It was the way she looked that triggered me, and that absolutely nothing to do with holding her hand. I think she said she worries about it, but I may have imagined that. In fact, the entire session seems very foggy now!! It's difficult to talk to your T about feelings for them, as most of you know. I feel like there's a lot more to say about everything we talked about. I wish I didn't forget some things T said or asked.

I know my post was long, but I welcome comments on any part of it. I feel kind of drained. Also a tiny bit of disappointment that I wasn't attracted to T. She looked so ordinary today. I was glad and not glad at the same time. I don't remember why I didn't tell her I can't move on. I told her I wanted to paint her. I also said I was okay if it's transference but not if it's real. She asked again, what would be so wrong if I were attracted to her. Is it my religion? I said no, it's the way I was raised. But then the conversation stopped! She didn't tell me HOW to accept the feelings. She wanted me to ask the parts something but I forgot what!