Thanks alex, mouse, Perna, ECHOES, almedafan, and sister for your replies. Really appreciate your comments and support.

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alex wrote:
i think it would be worth it if both you and your husband were able to talk to your t about his not disclosing information that you each offer him confidentially. it might be that he is trying to encourage transparency (which would give him the opportunity to say so) or it might be that he will apologise and not do it again.

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That's a good idea. I think at very least I will mention something to my T in our next individual session about the phone call, and how it caught me off guard when he brought it up in our couples session. I think transparency is a good thing in the couples therapy, I just have to be more cognizant of encouraging it and not have it be just something T is aiming for. You know, get us all on the same page. I also think that this is a potential problem whenever family counselors see more than one subset of a family simultaneously. I don't want to place too many demands on T's memory as to what he can and cannot bring up in our couples sessions. Sometimes there are things we talk about in both the couples and individual sessions, and sometimes things just in individual that are related to couples issues. I could see it could get to be a "bookkeeping" hassle for him to keep everything straight--what was said in whose session, etc. In the end, what keeps me going with the dual types of sessions is that T has my complete trust, so I have reassured myself that if he does bring something up in couples session that derives from an individual interaction, it is not harmful to me. I trust him completely to not harm me.

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i don't think it is good that you are in the uncomfortable position of worrying what you say to him in case he brings it up in couples therapy

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Yes, I agree, and I need some reassurance from him on this.

Perna, I like the whitewater rafting analogy. You always have such good visual images to make concrete what we are going through in therapy.

ECHOES, maybe I do deserve some extravagance right now in my life. Thanks for suggesting that. It's almost like I need someone's permission or suggestion to do this. I'm always so cognizant of spending so much money on this (therapists for me, husband and me, my daughter, plus two lawyers, etc.--the mounting fees are boggling). Due to some upcoming summer events, I was going to have to miss one week of couples session and two weeks of individual sessions. Maybe I will try to make that 1 and 1 only, with no week going by when I don't see T in some context. Right now, I would just like to go into T's office and curl up on the couch and have him be there. And just sit in silence. That would really give me a lot of support, just sitting there with him.

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Reading it, I felt the boundaries getting kind of blurry and putting myself in your shoes, I felt kind of neglected.

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I think that is right. Several times now T has talked about how the original object of therapy (that would be me) can feel neglected when therapy expands to include other family members. I have been OK with it so far, I thought, but maybe not. He says there is a danger that the original client will lose the relationship with the T. He has brought this up several times, probably only 3 or so, but it feels like umpteen! It has made me wonder if HE is the one having the problem with it rather than me. Does he feel our relationship being harmed or slipping away? If so, then it seems something is seriously not good. And maybe we should stop this? If not, why does he keep bringing it up? Does he sense something is amiss between us? Or is he simply seeking reassurance from me that I am OK with all of this? I never thought of my T as needing reassurance before, but maybe he does. He's human. This is something I want to talk with him about. I wonder if he is projecting to me vibes of uncertainty he is picking up from me? Or I wonder if he truly feels that way himself?

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Sunrise, you are so courageous to be going through this couple's therapy with your T. These problems are exactly what I am afraid of dealing with, and I have been avoiding scheduling the couples session, although we really need it. I am afraid.

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sister, it is OK not to do couples until you are ready, until you are not scared. ((((hugs)))) I went to my T individually for 7 months before I was no longer afraid to do couples with him. Looking back, I am amazed at how patient he was. When I lost the fear of bringing my husband there, then I was ready. It was only possible when I had absolute trust in T, and that took months to develop and then one day a turning point when suddenly it was possible. It was as if one day I woke up, looked outside, and saw that a whole field of daffodils had burst into bloom simultaneously. That didn't just come out of nowhere. We had worked for months cultivating trust--tilling the soil, planting the seeds, providing water and nutrients, and then overnight, the field was abloom.