I've been crying non stop since my session yesterday, blubbered like a damn baby during it, and after. I'm a horrible mother, didn't talk to anyone, locked myself in my basement bedroom and slept some, woke up in the middle of the night with a panic attack, went back to bed, slept through my alarm, and my son had to wake me up. I sat on the edge of my bed, ok, until I realized yesterday's session wasn't just a dream.

I feel misunderstood, rejected, not cared about, and disconnected from everyone in my life. Mostly my therapist. The one person I thought would help me is making me worse.

Since seeing her (a year), I've slept less, ate less, started self harming, self medicating, and I lost my "give a damn." I've missed more work this since I started seeing her than I ever have in that job (7 years? Maybe 8?). I'm falling apart. But, dammit, I need her. I know I won't go anywhere else. I want to see HER. But I want her to understand, really understand, but it's a "she's right and I'm wrong" situation. That's how I see it anyway.

At this point, I'm NOT suicidal but I'm also not taking care of myself. I don't care if I don't wake up tomorrow morning. Before I started therapy, I had a handful of people in my life who were good friends to me. Now, I'm pushing them away. If an effing THERAPIST can hurt me, anyone can.

She says she understands the pain and hurt this has caused, and has apologized for my feeling this way. But I have to live with this, she can go on with her life and not have to deal with the pain she has caused for me. It's such a sad, lonely world.

I only feel worse about myself for feeling this way. We both thought I'd get over this and be better by now, but I am (unintentionally) made to feel pathectic because I CAN'T get over it. Believe me, I hate it. But damn, it just hurts too much.

I told her she chose the wrong time, I was in a bad place, to stop the comfort she was giving me and she said anytime would have been a bad time. NO, if she would have TALKED to me about it before, or during, so I had an understanding.....I'd know. But there was no talk at all. She offered it for 5 months, no discussion, then took it away when she saw fit. No warning. No discussion until I noticed.

I need to quit. But I need her. I just don't know what to do.