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Originally Posted by musinglizzy
SHe tells me to meditate, go for walks, ride my horse, do things that help me. I can't master the meditation, though I've tried, I ride occasionally (bad back), and I meditate in my own way....just sitting in my rocking chair in a dark room listening to music and trying to think about good things.
This T has been useful to me, I really like her and she is good for me. She just hurt me in ways I can't make her understand. She went on to tell me how many people have disappointed me in my life, she talked about all the things I've gone through, she talked about all the people I'm there for then asked who's there for me? And then she said here, where I was finally realizing I had someone here for me, that changed. And that's really hard. She said all that. If she realized it, why did she change it??? Punishment is all I see.
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First, I am so sorry you are in so much pain. Change is difficult, but change is also inevitable in all relationships. I think perhaps that is something your therapist realizes she can't protect you from, and also something that we all have to learn to navigate and accept as part of life. She understands this is painful for you, and while you see it as punishment, it doesn't seem at all that punishment was your therapist's motivation in making that change. I know it feels that way though.
Yes, it would have been better to discuss that change with you when she made that decision. Perhaps she did not predict the reaction you have had; in fact, it took you awhile to recognize it was happening, so she most likely thought withdrawing it the way she did had been effective until suddenly it wasn't for you.
She can't go back and replay any of her decisions. She does seem sympathetic and apologetic that this is painful for you, but she also believes therapeutically that this is the right decision. Your reaction to this is probably confirming of her decision. She recognized her boundaries where, in the long run, creating a problem for you and made the decision to correct her behavior. It left you confused and in pain, but it seems she realized that change would have inevitably been painful for you no matter when it took place. That's my best guess as to why she handled this the way she did. I'm not trying to justify her action; I'm just explaining perhaps where her thinking was - - right or wrong.
One aspect of your working relationship has changed, but is her listening ear, her support, etc. still there? Or, are you unable to access those qualities from her because of this? That's really what seems to be left for you to decide. If you can't remain with your therapist because of this, even though she has been very helpful to you previously, then you might need to find a different therapist or see how it goes on your own. I hope, though, that you can find a way to see that she is still there, just somewhat changed, not completely gone. Perhaps you can find a way to experience that relationships can change without completely ending, without change necessarily meaning abandonment or punishment. That would be healing I would think, but only you know if you will be able to get to that point quite yet. You may not be ready for that yet, and that's okay too. We all have to learn at a pace and moment that makes sense to us. Be gentle with yourself.