I am sorry you lost your mother, I have went through a similar experience. My mom was diagnosed with Stage IIIC Ovarian Cancer in 2012, and spent the last 18 months of her life dealing with chemo, complications from chemo, and finally succumbing to all of it last January. It was a very hard road, I was her main caregiver so I pretty much watched her through the surgery, the recovery, the chemo, the "remission" for 6 months, then chemo again and then watched her deteriorate before my eyes. It was very hard to go through - and the chemo left an infection in her throat, so she had to have a tracheotomy and lived with a hole in her throat to breathe and talk out of until she died. I can't even begin to explain how hard life is without my mom here, how much she is missing, how much I miss her and wish I could talk to her, but I have begun to get to a place where I am glad that she is in no more pain, and doesn't have to live with the trach. She HATED it. So many times they promised her it would come out, and then another complication, and another, and finally she gave up being optimistic about it coming out. I don't want to say she gave up trying to live, but she was just tired of fighting 24 hours a day, you know? I think for awhile I was selfish and wanted her to stay, for me, for my daughter, but I have started to realize just recently that she wanted to stay, but she couldn't - not in the way she wanted to, which was cancer free and pain free. She had suffered for many years with chronic pain and heart problems that honestly.... I just have to accept that she is where she belongs now, even though it hurts a lot to think about her not being here. And believe me, getting to that point has been TERRIBLE. I have hurt myself mentally sitting here struggling with the fact that I wasn't good enough, I didn't do enough for her, I should have done this, should have taken her to a better cancer center, should have pushed the doctors more, should have spent more time with her. I was so caught up in trying to figure out HOW to get her to live, that I neglected the time she had left and ultimately I was left with my mom laying in a hospice bed, dying, and I was asking for her forgiveness, telling her how sorry I was and how much I loved her and was going to miss her. I begged, for a couple days, to not go, I didn't know how I was going to do this without her, and I have lived with my regret since then. But recently I have come to the conclusion that I cannot let the past dictate my future, or I will never live in the present, only the past.

I totally didn't mean to write a book (lol) it all kind of came out, but I want you to know I am feeling a similar connection with you, and I am here if you ever need or want to talk.